ed. note; Every week, JANET from groomlake.net ranks every NFL team. Take a second to cry, because your team sucks.
THE KING IS DEAD!
LONG LIVE THE KING!
In a stunning upset, we have a new top ranked team. I was as shocked as anyone, but the numbers simply don’t lie and cannot be ignored.
Tier 1:
Cincinnati Bengals
DID YOU SEE THAT GAME MONDAY NIGHT?
What a stunning win for the Bengals. This team is on the way to the playoffs and the Super Bowl. Fuck the rest of this league, it’s Cincinnati’s to lose!
…
Not buying it either, huh? OK, look, for a while Sunday and Monday the Bengals had the same record as the Miami Dolphins for fuck's sake. Can’t I have just this one little piece of joy?
…
SCREW YOU!
The Real Tier 1:
New England Patriots
Last week the ‘Hawks got their wings’ clipped, and this week the previously undefeated Jets were grounded like an international flight with Cat Stevens sitting in coach. This team refuses to lose, and guess what Steelers fans? They won’t start Sunday, either. Sorry.
Tier 2:
Philadelphia Eagles
Well well well, it seems there is a chink in the Eagle armor after all.
Cleveland racked up 165 yards of rushing offense Sunday as the Browns didn’t panic in the face of an opening scoring drive that lasted all of 43 seconds. Don’t think for a second that every other team in the NFL won’t see the tape and run the ball down the Eagles’ throats from now until the end of the season.
And don’t think they won’t get but anything but a face full of Corey Dillon when they eventually meet the Patriots, either.
Minnesota Vikings
OMG! The Vikings hold an opponent to single digits!
Oh that’s right, it was just the McNair-less Titans who are absolute nothings without their fearless leader. Move along, nothing to see here.
Indianapolis Colts
Looks like the kickers aren’t the only ones who get liquored up on the Colts!
You know what I’m waiting for? I’m counting the days until someone knocks the snot out of Peyton Manning. For a man who stands 6’5” Manning, you’re a pussy. My money is on Vanderjakt kicking your ass one of these days with Reggie Wayne laughing in the background.
New York Jets
I demoted them last week, but after a gutsy performance versus the best damn team in the league (*ahem*Cinci—ok fine I’ll let it go, jokes over) I’m giving them a promotion. Give this team a year or two and playoffs will no longer be their limit.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Any team that can bring Peyton Manning just that much closer to the beat down he so richly deserves is OK in my book. Actually beating the Colts doesn’t hurt, either.
Tier 3:
Denver Broncos
WHO-DEY think gonna beat them Bengals? Certianly not this sorry ass collection of shits.
And let me say a special, “FUCK YOU,” to that cheap shot cockbiter George Foster. Don’t you fucking think for a second you aren’t a marked man in the league now, cunt. Retire now before you get put in a wheel chair for life.
If the NFL doesn’t suspend or heavily fine his stupid ass then I’m heading to Tagliabue’s house for a chop block of my own.
Baltimore Ravens
I would personally like to thank the Ravens for causing Bledsoe’s FIVE TURNOVERS and netting me a cool 38 points in the POE Fantasy League. I *heart* you, Ravens D.
Now your offense is still a sad sack of shit when it can only score 13 on the Bills and your QB can only pass for 86 yards. Come to think of it, exactly how the fuck does Kyle Boller still have his job? What, Miami won’t trade A.J. Feeley?
Pittsburgh Steelers
-BYE-
Last week I explained how I wanted this team to lose just so the oral pleasuring of Roethlisberger would stop. To further prove my point, I offer this chat log from POE Sportschat during the Monday night game. You may want to ask all those of delicate sensibilities, namely all women, children, and Saints fans to leave the room:
* JANET says to everybody: no offense, but Roethlissberger needs to suck one game jsut to stop the madness!
* pooter says to everybody: none taken, since I know in my heart of hearts he's the best football player since jim thorpe!
* pooter says to everybody: although he may not have deserved player of hte week last week
* JANET says to everybody: *slurp* *suck*
* pooter says to everybody: if he keeps playing the way he does, i'll gladly take load in the face!
Do you see what otherwise normal Steeler fans have been reduced to?!
Houston Texans
-BYE-
Green Bay Packers
Brett Favre is a man on a mission to prove all of the naysayers wrong, and this week his victim was the Cowboys. You want to see some serious game playing however, watch Favre against the Redskins this week. Whenever he experiences some kind of personal tragedy he goes apeshit on the field and starts kicking ass, and his wife being diagnosed with breast cancer certainly qualifies.
I wouldn’t want to be Joe Gibbs on Sunday.
Tier 4:
Seattle Seahawks
HA HA FUCKING HA!
I told you people over and over again that this team was overrated. I kept telling you, but did you listen to me? NO, you didn’t, because you’re stupid. Now look at you. Cheering for a team that got its ass kicked by the Cardinals.
The Cardinals!
Serves you right.
Atlanta Falcons
I tried to explain to all you dumbasses about Seattle, and you didn’t listen.
Then I tried to tell you people, over and over again, about Vick. I did my best to reason with you that he was still young and horribly overrated. I strived to explain, to each and every one of you ignorant shits, that he wasn’t ready. And what did I get?
Scorn. Ridicule. And now look at your dumbass.
Look at you!
7/21, 119 yards, and 3 INTs for a QB rating of FOURTEEN.
I TOLD YOU SO.
AGAIN.
Tennessee Titans
This team is nothing without Steve McNair. And in a division with 5-2 Jacksonville, 4-2 Indy, and 3-3 Houston (!) they’re done.
Dallas Cowboys
Dallas got 41 laid on them by Green Bay. They now have the same record, 2-4, as the Redskins.
I thought Bill Parcells was supposed to fix this team? So what does he do? Billy hires players who are a couple years from being card carrying members of the AARP bitching about their thyroid medication. And people wonder why this team doesn’t win.
Hint: It’s because they suck.
Detroit Lions
Detroit is winning? On the road? WTF?!
San Diego Chargers
Show of hands, how many people predicted that San Diego would only be one game back of Denver in the AFC West with Kansas City and Oakland fighting it out for the basement?
Exactly. WTF is going on here?
Cleveland Browns
Even a grizzled old Bengals fan like myself has to give props to the Browns for hanging with the Eagles and forcing OT. It was a hell of an effort in a game they had no business being in, and I must say I was impressed.
…
They’re all still a bunch of child molesting whores who deserve to be drowned in Lake Erie, but they played a good game.
Tier 5:
St. Louis Rams
A 31-14 loss against the Dolphins?!
Fuck you Mike Martz! Way to coach them boys up!
HA HA FUCKING HA! YOU SUCK!
N.Y. Giants
Looks like Kurt Warner is back to being the Kurt Warner we all know, love, and make fun of: 1 INT and 3 fumbles. Start making room on the fantasy roster for him, folks, I predict points!
Carolina Panthers
Getting your ass beat by the Chargers is the last straw. Welcome to hell, pussycats.
Oakland Raiders
They got beat by the Saints.
‘Nuff said.
Kansas City Chiefs
As is my Monday ritual I was reading Peter King’s Monday Morning QB over at SI.com. In his weekly article King ranks the top 15 teems in the league. Allow me to reproduce the following:
“14. Kansas City (2-4). I'm starting to get a good feeling about this team.”
Ok, let’s grant him that the 1-4 Chiefs ran over the Falcons to up their record to an astonishing 2-4, but WTF?! The Chiefs are already three games back of the Broncos, and with the Wild Card spots going likely to the Jets and either Steelers/Ravens or Jags/Colts, what exactly is he feeling?
I know from reading your columns you drink a lot of coffee and lattes Peter, but that burning sensation you get when you pee isn’t the sign of a Chiefs comeback.
Arizona Cardinals
It’s the return of…Emmitt Smith?!
Emmitt Smith?!
Washington Redskins
-BYE-
Buffalo Bills
DRUE BLEDSO IS THE G8ST QB EVAR!!!1!!!!!11!
FIVE turnovers: 4 INTs and 1 fumble. Hell, I’m so happy for all the points he gave me in the POE Fantasy Football league I can’t even be mean to him.
A THIRTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD GEEZER PICKED YOU OFF TWICE AND RETURNED ONE FOR A TOUCHDOWN, DREW! YOU FUCKING SUCK!
Except for that. Which wasn’t mean. It was just a statement of the obvious.
New Orleans Saints
Emmitt Smith rushed for 127 yards, 1 TD, and threw for 1 TD.
The New Orleans Saints are now permanent residents of Tier 5 for the rest of the season.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Beating the lowly Bears whose pair of QBs went a combined 14/26, 116 yards, and 1 INT is not an accomplishment. I think it’s time to bring out the orange jerseys.
Miami Dolphins
These
opening paragraphs for the game summary at NFL.com are classic:
“Jay Fiedler threw a game-clinching touchdown pass, then sprinted the length of the field to join his teammates in an end zone celebration, waving his index finger as he ran.
No, the Miami Dolphins aren't No. 1. But they do have victory No. 1. “
Yes Virginia, there is a limit to how deep you can dig your shithole, and it turns out it’s when you hit Rams!
San Francisco 49ers
-BYE-
Chicago Bears
How bad is your world of shit when you look to Craig Krenzel as your saviour?
Look, I’ve been a fan of The Ohio State Buckeyes as long as I’ve been alive. Even I will admit that Krenzel is not exactly NFL material. Yeah he did help OSU win a National Championship with some clutch runs, but come the fuck on. As we Buckeye-backers are painfully learning right now: no Clarrett=no win.
Ashlee Simpson
After getting punk’d by her tape player it looks as though we might be seeing that Playboy photo shoot of the younger Simpson a little sooner than expected, huh?
Ah well, here’s looking forward to when Jessica’s star joins her sister’s in the toilet and we get our hands on that copy of Incestuous Sisters 9: Luscious Lesbian Lust we’ve all had on our Amazon wishlist for the past year.
JANET
groomlake.net
