Tier 1:
New England Patriots
They beat the Bills. Remind me to get excited later.

Tier 2:
Philadelphia Eagles
A solid win over the Bears, but still, only 19 points?

Jacksonville Jaguars
They may have lost to the Colts, but I think any doubts about whether this team was for real or not have been thoroughly addressed. The Jags are good, people. Deal with it.

Minnesota Vikings
-BYE-

Indianapolis Colts
A nice win over the Jags keeps this team going strong. Is there ever a game when Manning doesn’t throw for at least 300 yards? He keeps this up every good ol’ boy out in Volunteer land will turn gay for him.

Tier 3:
Carolina Panthers
Well well well, looks as though the Panthers got smacked around for 27 points on Sunday by the Falcons, and Vick didn’t even throw a single TD pass. Methinks I hast overrated thy Panthers.

Denver Broncos
Only 16 points versus Tampa Bay. My 5 year old nephews’ pee wee football team could score 16 points on the Tampa D! Hell, I could throw at least 3 TD passes on those sad sacks on the other side of the ball in Florida.

Good luck at Carolina, suckers!

Green Bay Packers
Hey Brett! How many lineman are rushing you? Remember, always dodge the one in the middle.

Ok, I give him shit, but goddamn, throwing a TD pass after getting your bell rung like that? I’m impressed. And for that reason alone I won’t drop them a tier even though they got beat by Kurt Warner.

New York Jets
Beating Jay Fiedler and whoever is running the ball for Miami is not an accomplishment worthy of praise. See me again next week.

Seattle Seahawks
-BYE-

Atlanta Falcons
Michael Vick is the most overrated QB in the NFL.

There. I said it.

I can already hear you whiners, “You’re just a H8TR JANET! Vick is the most exciting QB in the NFL! He’s going to be the greatest ever! I WNAT HIM 2 BND ME 0VER AND MAKJE ME A MAN!!!!11!!!”

*ahem* 10-18, 148 yards.

Fine, I’ll be nice and appease your whining, “What about his running yards?!?!?!” That would be 37 yards bringing his grand total for the day to 185 yards of offense. Folks, that sucks. Kyle Boller got 154 passing yards on Monday night.

That’s right. You’re getting about the same offensive output from Michael Vick as you are from Kyle Boller. Congrats on that, dude.

The Atlanta defense is the only thing saving this team. Now shut the hell up.

Baltimore Ravens
So maybe I was a little to quick on the trigger calling them a good team after Kansas City steamrolled their D Monday. And oh my god, could that offense get any worse? Holy shit!

Baltimore gets two gift touchdowns when that ugly Kansas City “defense” falls for the flea flicker like some shit Division III team and then after two gift penalty calls in the endzone. Speaking of which, can someone please explain to me how exactly it is possible to commit pass interference when the goddamn ball lands 10 yards beyond the out of bounds line?

Then a play or so later the Ravens, who for some reason forgot that Jamal Lewis is on their team, decide to have Boller throw it. Except instead of actually tossing a catchable ball he line drives the ol’ pigskin to a receiver who is being fronted by two KC defenders. The only thing that saved his stupid ass was that one of the Chiefs secondary decided to be Mr. Handsy McFeely Feel with the receiver.

Is there a worse QB in the NFL? Except for every single QB on the Dolphin roster, I mean.

Tier 4:
Tennessee Titans
38 points to the Chargers?

The Chargers?

Quarterbacked by Drew Fuckin’ Brees Are you serious?!

Steve McNair don’t play defense, folks. That was damn ugly. I’ll chalk this one up to mental trauma from not having McNair, but goddamn.

The Chargers?!

Kansas City Chiefs
Trick plays and bullshit penalties not withstanding, the Kyle Boller-led Ravens put 24 points on your defense.

If the KC D were Japanese they’d all have to commit seppuku.

Despite that, spooging 27 points all over Ray Lewis & Co. is nothing to spit at. Thank god the Ravens’ O sucks, huh?

Dallas Cowboys
-BYE-

Arizona Cardinals
The Cardinals score 34 points. Emmitt Smith runs for 127 yards and a touchdown. He also throws for a TD as well.

I…I …I don’t know how to follow that.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Hold on to the goddamn ball Duce!

Who am I kidding, like it mattered versus the Bengals.

Detroit Lions
-BYE-

Oakland Raiders
This was the funniest fucking game ever.

All I heard from every football commentator all week was how much better off the Raiders would be with Kerry Collins at QB. The Raiders had a chance now. Collins will lead this team to the playoff.

Kerry then promptly tosses three balls to the wrong damn team.

That, my friends, is irony.

Houston Texans
Games are much easier to win when your opposing quarterback keeps giving you the ball, huh?

N.Y. Giants
Fine you assholes. They’re 3-1 so I’ll promote them out of the basement. Kurt Warner and his man-goblin of a wife still suck however.

Tier 5:
Cincinnati Bengals
So I’m at the dentist’s office Monday having my twice-yearly teeth cleaning. While waiting for my appointment I dig through the paltry stack of magazines and find the September 24th issue of ESPN The Magazine. I crack it open to find an article on Rudi Johnson. The blurb for it states how the Bengals are everyone’s sexy playoff pick.

Sexy.

Playoff.

Pick.

So let me say…from my heart…FUCK YOU ESPN The Magazine!. Fuck you to all the sports writers, commentators, and other assorted football loudmouths for getting my hopes up. You can all kiss my ass and I hope you die from cancerous herpes-infected AIDS of the urethra.

Now I’m going to Bristol to snap the neck of the article’s author and while I’m there I’m gonna punch Dan Le Betard in the balls just on general principle.

Washington Redskins
Man, after fellating Joe Gibbs all summer long, the aftertaste of that spunk is pretty nasty, huh Washington? Congratulations on the luring him back, Dan Snyder, your team still sucks.

Buffalo Bills
I think we all know that Drew Bledsoe goes home and cries himself to sleep after every game against the Patriots. I got five bucks that says he’s already pawned his Super Bowl ring and blew the money on a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 that he chased with a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee. The rest he spent on a blow job from a hooker cause she’s the only one who really understands his pain.

New Orleans Saints
Emmitt Smith rushed for 127 yards, 1 TD, and threw for 1 TD.

The New Orleans Saints are now permanent residents of Tier 5 for the rest of the season.

San Diego Chargers
Thank God Steve McNair was hurt, huh?

St. Louis Rams
Everyone beats San Francisco. Move along.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
At least they held Denver to 16 points, right? That’s something to smile about, right Chucky?

Cleveland Browns
I think they made Dan Snyder cry.

They still suck, however.

Miami Dolphins
I *heart* Jay Fiedler for his two interceptions and two lost fumbles giving me serious points in the fantasy pool this week. You have now become my permanent QB for the rest of the season.

At least until you’re replaced by A.J. Feeley again.

San Francisco 49ers
Monster Park huh? About the only thing monstrous on that field was the giant turd they shat on Sunday. I am 100% serious when I say the following: The San Francisco 49ers will not win a single game all year.

Dennis Erickson however, will still get an extension to his contract.

Chicago Bears
Holding McNabb, T.O., and the Eagles to under 20 points is good for something, I guess. Not an actual win, mind you, but something.


JANET
http://groomlake.net